A Trespass of Swine

the Porkopolis blog

Considerations of humanity and hogritude, because an insufficiency of pigs is one of the great faults of all that the gods have made manifest to man.

Got Milk?

P. Grunter Hoggeson III

Full Name — P. Grunter Hoggeson III

Birth Name — Runt

Hometown — Porkopolis, Ohio, U.S.A.

Born — in the Year of the Pig

Marital Status — out to stud

Gig — Investment Advisor, Pigmatist

Recent Accomplishments — brought home the bacon and finished translating Paradise Lost into pig Latin

Height/Weight — 39 inches / 379 lbs.

Education — Boarhouse College, BA, 1974; New Pork University, MBA, 1981

Why he drinks milk: “Here on Wall Street, the Darwinian struggle to hold on to one’s tender loins requires energy and stamina. After a grueling day of hogging the market – a mean feat with cloven appendages – I need to relax with an ice-cold glass of milk.

“With nine essential nutrients that help make me strong, like protein, calcium and vitamin D, milk’s the beverage of choice for the fittest hogs at the trough. And no other swill satisfies like milk when you’ve got a mouth full of chocolate chip cookies.”

Editor’s Note:

In the ad–copy reproduced above, P. Grunter Hoggeson III, financial advisor and co–founder of Porkopolis.org, seems like just another celebrity with a now ubiquitous milk moustache. But this is one pig who’s milky grin won’t make it into the public eye.

Grunter was invited to be part of yet another milk moustache ad campaign from the National Milk Board. The new ads, collectively called “Rich in Nutrition,” would feature celebrities dressed as symbols of abundance and prosperity, all sporting milk moustaches. Included were Donald Trump dressed as a the King of Beasts, Sydney Greenspan as an American Bald Eagle, Ron Popiel and Regis Philbin as Wall Street’s Bull and Bear and Grunter himself as the great “Mortgage Lifter.”

As the final ads went out to magazines in May 2005 for a planned June release, we were advised by the Milk Board that they had pulled Grunter’s segment. A perfunctory “No Further Comment” was the Milk Board’s only explanation. Investigating further, we learned more details from a production staffer on the photo shoot. She confided that a Milk Board member, also present at the shoot, initiated the cancellation because of certain aspects of Grunter’s off-camera demeanor.

Apparently, one of the concepts explored by the director involved a selection of photos of the celebrities eating cookies with their milk. Now, veterans of multiple retakes on commercials for breakfast cereals or the latest wonder-grill infomercial know that all those retakes of sampling tasty creations can adversely effect the belly.

The rest of the celebrities, wise to this danger, would perfunctorily spit out their edible props after each take. Grunter, however, would finish eating each of the cookies that he was given. And while this was unusual, it was acceptable, after all the cookies were tasty, and there was plenty of milk around. However, when Grunter’s porcine pragmatism led him to also consume those cookies spat out by all the other celebrities, the Milk Board member present was totally appalled.

Grunter’s ad was pulled from release and, we presume, won’t ever be shown. So we have reproduced it here for our friends, visitors and all swineophiles to enjoy.

The “Got Milk?” ad campaign is the copyrighted property of The National Milk Processor Promotion Board, as are all proprietary documents, images, designs and information, including information about their businesses and other public information posted about their company. © The National Milk Processor Promotion Board. Used With Permission. All rights reserved. Check them out at: www.gotmilk.com

1 Comment

  1. I just wanted to say that I love this site


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