Porkopolis

Hymn to Ham

• Though Ham was one of Noah’s sons
• (Like Japheth), I can’t see
• That Ham meant any more to him
• Than ham has meant to me.
•  
• On Christmas Eve
• I said, “Yes ma’am,
• I do believe
• I’ll have more ham.
•  
• I said, “Yes ma’am,
• I do believe
• I’ll have more ham.
•  
• I said, “Yes ma’am,
• I do believe
• I’ll have more ham.
•  
• And then after dinner my uncle said he
• Was predominantly English but part Cherokee.
• “As near as I can figure,” I said, “I am
• An eighth Scotch–Irish and seven–eighths ham.”
•  
• Ham.
• My soul.
• I took a big hot roll,
• I put in some jam,
• And butter that melted down in with the jam,
• Which was blackberry jam,
• And a big old folded–over oozy slice of HAM . . .
• And my head swam.
•  
• Ham!
• Hit ’me with a hammah,
• Wham bam bam!
• What good ammah
• Without mah ham?
•  
• Ham’s substantial, ham is fat,
• Ham is firm and sound.
• Ham’s what God was getting at
• When he made pigs so round.
•  
• Aunt Fay’s as big as she can be –
• She weighs one hundred, she must weigh three.
• But Fay says, “Ham! Oh Lord, praise be,
• Ham has never hampered me!”
•  
• Next to Mama and Daddy and Gram,
• We all love the family ham.
•  
• So let’s program
• A hymn to ham,
• To appetizing, filling ham.
• (I knew a girl named Willingham.)
• And after that we’ll all go cram
• Ourselves from teeth to diaphragm
• Full of ham.

Song to Bacon

• Consumer groups have gone and taken
• Some of the savor out of bacon.
• Protein–per–penny in bacon, they say,
• Equals needles–per–square–inch of hay.
• Well, I know, after cooking all
• That’s left to eat is mighty small
• (You also get a lot of lossage
• In life, romance, and country sausage),
• And I will vote for making it cheaper,
• Wider, longer, leaner, deeper,
• But let’s not throw the baby, please,
• Out with the (visual rhyme here) grease.
• There’s nothing crumbles like bacon still,
• And I don’t think there ever will
• Be anything, whate’er you use
• For meat, that chews like bacon chews.
• And also: I wish these groups would tell
• Me whether they counted in the smell.
• The smell of it cooking’s worth $2.1O a pound.
• And howbout the sound?