Porkopolis

The Barrister’s Dream

• They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;
• They pursued it with forks and hope;
• They threatened its life with a railway–share;
• They charmed it with smiles and soap.
•  
• But the Barrister, weary of proving in vain
• That the Beaver’s lace–making was wrong,
• Fell asleep, and in dreams saw the creature quite plain
• That his fancy had dwelt on so long.
•  
• He dreamed that he stood in a shadowy Court,
• Where the Snark, with a glass in its eye,
• Dressed in gown, bands, and wig, was defending a pig
• On the charge of deserting its sty.
•  
• The Witnesses proved, without error or flaw,
• That the sty was deserted when found:
• And the Judge kept explaining the state of the law
• In a soft under–current of sound.
•  
• The indictment had never been clearly expressed,
• And it seemed that the Snark had begun,
• And had spoken three hours, before any one guessed
• What the pig was supposed to have done.
•  
• The Jury had each formed a different view
• (Long before the indictment was read),
• And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew
• One word that the others had said.
•  
• “You must know —” said the Judge: but the Snark exclaimed “Fudge!”
• That statute is obsolete quite!
• Let me tell you, my friends, the whole question depends
• On an ancient manorial right.
•  
• “In the matter of Treason the pig would appear
• To have aided, but scarcely abetted:
• While the charge of Insolvency fails, it is clear,
• If you grant the plea ’never indebted.
•  
• “The fact of Desertion I will not dispute;
• But its guilt, as I trust, is removed
• (So far as relates to the costs of this suit)
• By the Alibi which has been proved.
•  
• “My poor client’s fate now depends on your votes.”
• Here the speaker sat down in his place,
• And directed the Judge to refer to his notes
• And briefly to sum up the case.
•  
• But the Judge said he never had summed up before;
• So the Snark undertook it instead,
• And summed it so well that it came to far more
• Than the Witnesses ever had said!
•  
• When the verdict was called for, the Jury declined,
• As the word was so puzzling to spell;
• But they ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn’t mind
• Undertaking that duty as well.
•  
• So the Snark found the verdict, although, as it owned,
• It was spent with the toils of the day:
• When it said the word “GUILTY!” the Jury all groaned,
• And some of them fainted away.
•  
• Then the Snark pronounced sentence, the Judge being quite
• Too nervous to utter a word:
• When it rose to its feet, there was silence like night,
• And the fall of a pin might be heard.
•  
• “Transportation for life” was the sentence it gave,
• “And then to be fined forty pound.”
• The Jury all cheered, though the Judge said he feared
• That the phrase was not legally sound.
•  
• But their wild exultation was suddenly checked
• When the jailer informed them, with tears,
• Such a sentence would have not the slightest effect,
• As the pig had been dead for some years.
•  
• The Judge left the Court, looking deeply disgusted:
• But the Snark, though a little aghast,
• As the lawyer to whom the defence was intrusted,
• Went bellowing on to the last.
•  
• Thus the Barrister dreamed, while the bellowing seemed
• To grow every moment more clear:
• Till he woke to the knell of a furious bell,
• Which the Bellman rang close at his ear.

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The Pig’s Tale

• Little Birds are dining
• Warily and well,
• Hid in mossy cell:
• Hid, I say, by waiters
• Gorgeous in their gaiters —
• I’ve a Tale to tell.
•  
• Little Birds are feeding
• Justices with jam,
• Rich in frizzled ham:
• Rich, I say, in oysters
• Haunting shady cloisters —
• That is what I am.
•  
• Little Birds are teaching
• Tigresses to smile,
• Innocent of guile:
• Smile, I say, not smirkle —
• Mouth a semicircle,
• That’s the proper style.
•  
• Little Birds are sleeping
• All among the pins,
• Where the loser wins:
• Where, I say, he sneezes
• When and how he pleases —
• So the Tale begins.
•  
• There was a Pig that sat alone
• Beside a ruined Pump:
• By day and night he made his moan —
• It would have stirred a heart of stone
• To see him wring his hoofs and groan,
• Because he could not jump.
•  
• A certain Camel heard him shout —
• A Camel with a hump.
• “Oh, is it Grief, or is it Gout?
• What is this bellowing about?”
• That Pig replied, with quivering snout,
• “Because I cannot jump!”
•  
• That Camel scanned him, dreamy–eyed.
• “Methinks you are too plump.
• I never knew a Pig so wide —
• That wobbled so from side to side —
• Who could, however much he tried,
• Do such a thing as jump!
•  
• “Yet mark those trees, two miles away,
• All clustered in a clump:
• If you could trot there twice a day,
• Nor ever pause for rest or play,
• In the far future — Who can say? —
• You may be fit to jump.”
•  
• That Camel passed, and left him there,
• Beside the ruined Pump.
• Oh, horrid was that Pig’s despair!
• His shrieks of anguish filled the air.
• He wrung his hoofs, he rent his hair,
• Because he could not jump.
•  
• There was a Frog that wandered by —
• A sleek and shining lump:
• Inspected him with fishy eye,
• And said “O Pig, what makes you cry?”
• And bitter was that Pig’s reply,
• “Because I cannot jump!”
•  
• That Frog he grinned a grin of glee,
• And hit his chest a thump.
• “O Pig,” he said, “be ruled by me,
• And you shall see what you shall see.
• This minute, for a trifling fee,
• I’ll teach you how to jump!
•  
• “You may be faint from many a fall,
• And bruised by many a bump:
• But, if you persevere through all,
• And practise first on something small,
• Concluding with a ten–foot wall,
• You’ll find that you can jump!”
•  
• That Pig looked up with joyful start:
• “Oh Frog, you are a trump!
• Your words have healed my inward smart —
• Come, name your fee and do your part:
• Bring comfort to a broken heart,
• By teaching me to jump!”
•  
• “My fee shall be a mutton–chop,
• My goal this ruined Pump.
• Observe with what an airy flop
• I plant myself upon the top!
• Now bend your knees and take a hop,
• For that’s the way to jump!”
•  
• Uprose that Pig, and rushed, full whack,
• Against the ruined Pump:
• Rolled over like an empty sack,
• And settled down upon his back,
• While all his bones at once went “Crack!”
• It was a fatal jump.