Porkopolis

The Pig

• In England once there lived a big
• And wonderfully clever pig.
• To everybody it was plain
• That Piggy had a massive brain.
• He worked out sums inside his head,
• There was no book he hadn’t read.
• He knew what made an airplane fly,
• He knew how engines worked and why.
• He knew all this, but in the end
• One question drove him round the bend:
• He simply couldn’t puzzle out
• What LIFE was really all about.
• What was the reason for his birth?
• Why was he placed upon this earth?
• His giant brain went round and round.
• Alas, no answer could be found.
• Till suddenly one wondrous night.
• All in a flash he saw the light.
• He jumped up like a ballet dancer
• And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!”
• “They want my bacon slice by slice
• “To sell at a tremendous price!
• “They want my tender juicy chops
• “To put in all the butcher’s shops!
• “They want my pork to make a roast
• “And that’s the part’ll cost the most!
• “They want my sausages in strings!
• “They even want my chitterlings!
• “The butcher’s shop! The carving knife!
• “That is the reason for my life!”
• Such thoughts as these are not designed
• To give a pig great piece of mind.
• Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
• A pail of pigswill in his hand,
• And piggy with a mighty roar,
• Bashes the farmer to the floor…
• Now comes the rather grizzly bit
• So let’s not make to much of it,
• Except that you must understand
• That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
• He ate him up from head to toe,
• Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
• It took an hour to reach the feet,
• Because there was so much to eat,
• And when he finished, Pig, of course,
• Felt absolutely no remorse.
• Slowly he scratched his brainy head
• And with a little smile he said,
• “I had a fairly powerful hunch
• “That he might have me for his lunch.
• “And so, because I feared the worst,
• “I thought I’d better eat him first.”

The Three Little Pigs

• The animal I really dig,
• Above all others is the pig.
• Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
• Pigs are courteous. However,
• Now and then, to break this rule,
• One meets a pig who is a fool.
• What, for example, would you say,
• If strolling through the woods one day,
• Right there in front of you you saw
• A pig who’d built his house of STRAW?
• The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
• And said, “That pig has had his chips.”
•  
• “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
• “No, no, by the hairs on my chinny–chin–chin!”
• “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!”
•  
• The little pig began to pray,
• But Wolfie blew his house away.
• He shouted, “Bacon, pork and ham!
• Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!”
• And though he ate the pig quite fast,
• He carefully kept the tail till last.
• Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
• Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
• Another little house for pigs,
• And this one had been built of TWIGS!
•  
• “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
• “No, no, by the hairs on my chinny–chin–chin!”
• “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!”
•  
• The Wolf said, “Okay, here we go!”
• He then began to blow and blow.
• The little pig began to squeal.
• He cried, “Oh Wolf, you’ve had one meal!
• Why can’t we talk and make a deal?”
• The Wolf replied, “Not on your nelly!”
• And soon the pig was in his belly.
•  
• “Two juicy little pigs!” Wolf cried,
• “But still I’m not quite satisfied!
• I know how full my tummy’s bulging,
• But oh, how I adore indulging.”
• So creeping quietly as a mouse,
• The Wolf approached another house,
• A house which also had inside
• A little piggy trying to hide.
•  
• “You’ll not get me!” the Piggy cried.
• “I’ll blow you down!” the Wolf replied.
• “You’ll need,” Pig said, “a lot of puff,
• And I don’t think you’ve got enough.”
• Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
• The house stayed up as good as new.
•  
• “If I can’t blow it down,” Wolf said,
• “I’ll have to blow it up instead.
• I’ll come back in the dead of night
• And blow it up with dynamite!”
• Pig cried, “You brute! I might have known!”
• Then, picking up the telephone,
• He dialed as quickly as he could
• The number of Red Riding Hood.
•  
• “Hello,” she said. “Who’s speaking? Who?
• Oh, hello, Piggy, how d’you do?”
• Pig cried, “I need your help, Miss Hood!
• Oh help me, please! D’you think you could?”
• “I’ll try of course,” Miss Hood replied.
• “What’s on your mind…?” “A Wolf!” Pig cried.
• “I know you’ve dealt with wolves before,
• And now I’ve got one at my door!”
•  
• “My darling Pig,” she said, “my sweet,
• That’s something really up my street.
• I’ve just begun to wash my hair.
• But when it’s dry, I’ll be right there.”
•  
• A short while later, through the wood,
• Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
• The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
• And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
• His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
• And spit was dripping from his jaw.
• Once more the maiden’s eyelid flickers.
• She draws the pistol from her knickers.
• Once more she hits the vital spot,
• And kills him with a single shot.
• Pig, peeping through the window, stood
• And yelled, “Well done, Miss Riding Hood!”
•  
• Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
• Young ladies from the upper crust.
• For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
• Not only has two wolfskin coats,
• But when she goes from place to place,
• She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE!