Porkopolis

The Pig and the Rooster

• On a warm sunny day, in the midst of July,
• A lazy young pig lay stretched out in his sty,
• Like some of his betters, most solemnly thinking
• That the best things on earth are good eating and drinking.
• At length, to get rid of the gnats and the flies,
• He resolv'd, from his sweet meditations to rise;
• And, to keep his skin pleasant, and pliant, and cool,
• He plung'd him, forthwith, in the next muddy pool.
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• When, at last, he thought fit to arouse from his bath,
• A conceited young rooster came just in his path:
• A precious smart prig, full in vanity drest,
• Who thought, of all creatures, himself far the best.
• "Hey day! little grunter, why where in the world
• Are you going so perfum'd, pomatum'd, and curl'd?
• Such delicate odors my senses assail,
• And I see such a sly looking twist in your tail,
• That you, sure are intent on some elegant sporting;
• Hurra! I believe, on my life, you are courting;
• And that figure which moves with such exquisite grace,
• Combin'd with the charms of that soft-smiling face,
• In one who's so neat and adorn'd with such art,
• Cannot fail to secure the most obdurate heart.
• And much joy do I wish you, both you and your wife,
• For the prospect you have of a nice pleasant life."
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• "Well said, master Dunghill," cried Pig in a rage,
• "You're doubtless, the prettiest beau of the age,
• With those sweet modest eyes staring out of your head,
• And those lumps of raw flesh, all so bloody and red.
• Mighty graceful you look with those beautiful legs,
• Like a squash or a pumpkin on two wooden pegs.
• And you've special good reason your own life to vaunt,
• And the pleasures of others with insult to taunt;
• Among crackling fools, always clucking or crowing,
• And looking up this way and that way, so knowing,
• And strutting and swelling, or stretching a wing,
• To make you admired by each silly thing;
• And so full of your own precious self, all the time,
• That you think common courtesy almost a crime;
• As if all the world was on the look out
• To see a young rooster go scratching about."
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• Hereupon, a debate, like a whirlwind arose,
• Which seem'd fast approaching to bitings and blows;
• 'mid squeaking and grunting, Pig's arguments flowing;
• And Chick venting fury 'twixt screaming and crowing.
• At length, to decide the affair, 'twas agreed
• That to counsellor Owl they should straightway proceed;
• While each, in his conscience, no motive could show,
• But the laudable wish to exult o'er his foe.
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• Other birds, of all feather, their vigils were keeping,
• While Owl, in his nook, was most learnedly sleeping:
• For, like a true sage, he preferred the dark night,
• When engaged in his work, to the sun's blessed light.
• Each stated his plea, and the owl was required
• To say whose condition should most be desired.
• It seem'd to the judge a strange cause to be put on,
• To tell which was better, a fop or a glutton;
• Yet, like a good lawyer, he kept a calm face,
• And proceeded, by rule, to examine the case;
• With both his round eyes gave a deep-meaning wink,
• And, extending one talon, he set him to think.
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• In fine, with a face much inclin'd for a joke,
• And a mock solemn accent, the counsellor spoke —
• "'twixt Rooster and Roaster, this cause to decide,
• Would afford me, my friends, much profesional pride.
• Were each on the table serv'd up, and well dress'd,
• I could easily tell which I fancied the best;
• But while both here before me, so lively I see,
• This cause is, in truth, too important for me;
• Without trouble, however, among human kind,
• Many dealers in questions like this you may find.
• Yet, one sober truth, ere we part, I would teach —
• That the life you each lead is best fitted for each.
• 'tis the joy of a cockerel to strut and look big,
• And, to wallow in mire, is the bliss of a pig.
• But, whose life is more pleasant, when viewed in itself,
• Is a question had better be laid on the shelf,
• Like many which puzzle deep reasoners' brains,
• And reward them with nothing but words for their pains.
• So now, my good clients, I have been long awake,
• And I pray you, in peace, your departure to take.
• Let each one enjoy, with content, his own pleasure,
• Nor attempt, by himself, other people to measure."
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• Thus ended the strife, as does many a fight;
• Each thought his foe wrong, and his own notions right.
• Pig turn'd, with a grunt, to his mire anew,
• And He-biddy, laughing, cried — cock-a-doodle-doo.