Dahl, Roald

British, (1916-1991)

The Pig

  1. In England once there lived a big
  2. And wonderfully clever pig.
  3. To everybody it was plain
  4. That Piggy had a massive brain.
  5. He worked out sums inside his head,
  6. There was no book he hadn’t read.
  7. He knew what made an airplane fly,
  8. He knew how engines worked and why.
  9. He knew all this, but in the end
  10. One question drove him round the bend:
  11. He simply couldn’t puzzle out
  12. What LIFE was really all about.
  13. What was the reason for his birth?
  14. Why was he placed upon this earth?
  15. His giant brain went round and round.
  16. Alas, no answer could be found.
  17. Till suddenly one wondrous night.
  18. All in a flash he saw the light.
  19. He jumped up like a ballet dancer
  20. And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!”
  21. “They want my bacon slice by slice
  22. “To sell at a tremendous price!
  23. “They want my tender juicy chops
  24. “To put in all the butcher’s shops!
  25. “They want my pork to make a roast
  26. “And that’s the part’ll cost the most!
  27. “They want my sausages in strings!
  28. “They even want my chitterlings!
  29. “The butcher’s shop! The carving knife!
  30. “That is the reason for my life!”
  31. Such thoughts as these are not designed
  32. To give a pig great piece of mind.
  33. Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
  34. A pail of pigswill in his hand,
  35. And piggy with a mighty roar,
  36. Bashes the farmer to the floor…
  37. Now comes the rather grizzly bit
  38. So let’s not make to much of it,
  39. Except that you must understand
  40. That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
  41. He ate him up from head to toe,
  42. Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
  43. It took an hour to reach the feet,
  44. Because there was so much to eat,
  45. And when he finished, Pig, of course,
  46. Felt absolutely no remorse.
  47. Slowly he scratched his brainy head
  48. And with a little smile he said,
  49. “I had a fairly powerful hunch
  50. “That he might have me for his lunch.
  51. “And so, because I feared the worst,
  52. “I thought I’d better eat him first.”

© Roald Dahl
Dirty Beasts. Puffin Books; Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England, 1984.

The Three Little Pigs

  1. The animal I really dig,
  2. Above all others is the pig.
  3. Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,
  4. Pigs are courteous. However,
  5. Now and then, to break this rule,
  6. One meets a pig who is a fool.
  7. What, for example, would you say,
  8. If strolling through the woods one day,
  9. Right there in front of you you saw
  10. A pig who’d built his house of STRAW?
  11. The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
  12. And said, “That pig has had his chips.”
  14. “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
  15. “No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!”
  16. “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!”
  18. The little pig began to pray,
  19. But Wolfie blew his house away.
  20. He shouted, “Bacon, pork and ham!
  21. Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!”
  22. And though he ate the pig quite fast,
  23. He carefully kept the tail till last.
  24. Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.
  25. Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted
  26. Another little house for pigs,
  27. And this one had been built of TWIGS!
  29. “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
  30. “No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!”
  31. “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house in!”
  33. The Wolf said, “Okay, here we go!”
  34. He then began to blow and blow.
  35. The little pig began to squeal.
  36. He cried, “Oh Wolf, you’ve had one meal!
  37. Why can’t we talk and make a deal?”
  38. The Wolf replied, “Not on your nelly!”
  39. And soon the pig was in his belly.
  41. “Two juicy little pigs!” Wolf cried,
  42. “But still I’m not quite satisfied!
  43. I know how full my tummy’s bulging,
  44. But oh, how I adore indulging.”
  45. So creeping quietly as a mouse,
  46. The Wolf approached another house,
  47. A house which also had inside
  48. A little piggy trying to hide.
  50. “You’ll not get me!” the Piggy cried.
  51. “I’ll blow you down!” the Wolf replied.
  52. “You’ll need,” Pig said, “a lot of puff,
  53. And I don’t think you’ve got enough.”
  54. Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.
  55. The house stayed up as good as new.
  57. “If I can’t blow it down,” Wolf said,
  58. “I’ll have to blow it up instead.
  59. I’ll come back in the dead of night
  60. And blow it up with dynamite!”
  61. Pig cried, “You brute! I might have known!”
  62. Then, picking up the telephone,
  63. He dialed as quickly as he could
  64. The number of Red Riding Hood.
  66. “Hello,” she said. “Who’s speaking? Who?
  67. Oh, hello, Piggy, how d’you do?”
  68. Pig cried, “I need your help, Miss Hood!
  69. Oh help me, please! D’you think you could?”
  70. “I’ll try of course,” Miss Hood replied.
  71. “What’s on your mind…?” “A Wolf!” Pig cried.
  72. “I know you’ve dealt with wolves before,
  73. And now I’ve got one at my door!”
  75. “My darling Pig,” she said, “my sweet,
  76. That’s something really up my street.
  77. I’ve just begun to wash my hair.
  78. But when it’s dry, I’ll be right there.”
  80. A short while later, through the wood,
  81. Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.
  82. The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,
  83. And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
  84. His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
  85. And spit was dripping from his jaw.
  86. Once more the maiden’s eyelid flickers.
  87. She draws the pistol from her knickers.
  88. Once more she hits the vital spot,
  89. And kills him with a single shot.
  90. Pig, peeping through the window, stood
  91. And yelled, “Well done, Miss Riding Hood!”
  93. Ah, Piglet, you must never trust
  94. Young ladies from the upper crust.
  95. For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
  96. Not only has two wolfskin coats,
  97. But when she goes from place to place,

© Roald Dahl
Revolting Rhymes. Jonathan Cape, London, 1982.

About the Poet

Roald Dahl (1916-1991), British, born in Wales to Norwegian parents. He was an RAF fighter pilot during World War II and began writing after being injured. Dahl is one of the world’s most beloved children’s authors, and he also had a very successful career writing short stories for adults. [DES-6/03]

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